Tonight I drove you home and we parked on the street in front of your house. We sat there until our hearts were empty, we cried too much & there was nothing left to say, yet amongst the emptiness we had a thankfulness that filled far more than our souls. It seeped out the car windows and still lingers down the road. You are a friend that I appreciate far more than one could know. These moments we share, where honesty is not withheld are some of the greatest times. I so deeply value the genuine factor in our relationship. There is no masking the truth, it is what it is, and we encourage each other through these trials. You mean the world to me, my friend. I will always be here to stay up late when we should be in bed to listen when you need to let it all out. I can promise you that.
Nostalgic to the warmer months.
This photo was taken one year ago.
I look at this face and see someone different. I see a girl with a million and one problems, lost in them, unable and unknowing how to get out. So she ran and hid in the dark crevices where she could not be exposed. Then the darkness engulfed her.
In that time I ruined the most amazing relationships I have had to date. I lied, cheated and stole. ‘Why?’ I pitifully ask myself again and again. Because I was so confused by the mysterious darkness I willingly ran into? I was so selfish. I had the best things in life right before me and I screwed it up with the very worry of screwing it up. Oh the dreadful irony of the one who fears.
I had the greatest best friend, the perfect potential boyfriend, travelling to countries I had always dreamed of. Reminiscing upon it seems like a day dream-it was that wonderful. I just didn’t see it then.
However, if I could go back and change the “what-ifs” into reality, I wouldn’t. Those times were the most gruesome, the most difficult and it still pains me to look back. But if I had to do it again, I think I would do it the same. The extremely messy past I own is being shaped day by day by the very hands of the Creator. He uses my shameful story to show grace. And because I have seen such darkness, I am able to love the light far more. It was in those times that I was inspired most. There is just something about rock bottom. And though I dearly wish those people to be in my life again God is showing me how their story is beautifully unfolding after the storm they also endured. It is bitter-sweet really. I love them, I always will and I want them back, but if this is what is best then I will be okay.
This is not my story. One day it may be my testimony and if it is I will share it far better than jot notes on the inter web, but for now it still lacks an ending. So I clench my fists, grit my teeth hard and press forward, only glancing back occasionally. I have hope that God will carry out his work in me to completion. I have hope that love lost will be replaced sevenfold by the deep affection of my Lord. I have hope.